A month without alcohol

I was ‘tagged’ at some point a few months ago by the BarryBot. The BarryBot is called so because, well, frankly when I first met him I thought he was in fact a robot sent to steal my brain. I rarely see the BarryBot these days, at most he just sends me invitations to social networking sites like bebo, facebook, ringo and the cynically named ‘tagged’. I only use bebo(and sparingly at that) because I reckon that the more on-line socialising you do the less you do off-line(which is significantly more fun).
Anyway, I still get really annoying e-mails from ringo and tagged about how ‘cool’ or ‘awesome’ they are. I’ll tell ya something about awesome-without ‘me’ its just aweso-so fuck off ya big spamwagon! I recieved one of these today from tagged and I have taken it to be the ultimate proof of just how nerdy the internet really is.
It read “New Videos, Check out this months top videos on youtube” or some other equally uninspired tripe. The videos were as follows: “Star Wars according to a 3 yr old”(pretty nerdy possibly cute) “Sexy mini skirt blooper”(nerdy and pervy-this is the only one I watched) “Call of Duty 4-gun sounds”(wtf? bizzarre and nerdy) “Amazing Nintendo Facts”(nerdy) “Silly Animal Photos”(that ones fine until you see the cover picture of a kitten wrapped aroud a tit) and what is no doubt a modern classic “Desiree’s Bikini Review”.
We’ve covered a wide range of territories there from soft-core porn to computer games and sci-fi. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a nerd too. I love all kinds of (legal!)porn and defiantly refuse to throw out my SuperNintendo but, that said, I prefer real women and real conversation and and and …….I wanna go outside, the fuck with this

I was gonna rant about Whelans but a combination of factors have put me in far too good a mood to really go for it: music from the Loose being one, Saul Williams playing the button factory(12th of May, 17e for the faithful) being two and having just had a wank being three…

Ah fuck it-Whelans is a shithole! Here are my 99 thesis as to why Whelans is shit, I’m extra bitter because I used to love the place.

First offence: 10e in for a barn with taps, not cool even on a Friday.

2. Whelans used to have the finest smoking area in Dublin, now they have the worst. Essentially, its a room with a leaking roof posing as ‘outdoors’. I was there for less than five minutes and my lungs started to cry, its warmer ‘out’ there than inside-and I didn’t see any fuckin heaters.

3. Its overcrowded in the same way that the Titanics safety budget was underfunded. I couldn’t move an inch all night. If you can have a two floor ’super-pub’(awful word) with no seating and still make it feel claustrophobic then you sir have greatly exceeded your ‘maximum occupancy’. I thought the whole point of financially raping me with a cover charge was to keep numbers down to reasonable level-dickheads!

4. Normally when you’re giving out about how a pub you like has changed you complain about how its full of ‘young people’. My beef is that Whelans is full of old people, old people are marginally less attractive than young people which means I have a marginally less enjoyable time and wake up with marginally worst videos of myself on youtube. Also, they drive prices up. 5e a Guiness!? Thats a human rights violation!! Section 4 paragraph 12 of the UN Charter of Human Rights, and I quote: “Every human being has the right to purchase alcohol at a price befitting their station in life……..in the event……valid student card…..4 euro maximum…..DIT..step closer to the real world……extra discount…….2 euro”. And you can look that up if you don’t believe me

5. The layout is downright ludicrous. The rooms are too small and there are too many of them-its a labrynth of Greek complication. I don’t mind labrynthine pubs that much, they generally have character-Whelans is the first exception I have ever encountered. You can’t find anyone, well I couldn’t and I was effectively sober-drunk Rua wouldn’t have stood a chance. I went in with a 21st party of around 15 people, I came out with the Beard and Diamond feeling confused and oddly violated.

6. That DJ made no sense. If the DJ who was playing in Whelans on Friday the 28th of March 2008 is reading this I would STRONGLY advise that you go back to college and get a qualification because clearly you are not cut out for the music business. Were you actually playing the music off your i-pod? I dunno, maybe Whelans don’t have a proper set-up and its not your fault but I have (no lie) heard better sets from piss-heads at house parties. Only two songs fitted into each other all night long and they were the property of AC/DC and Led Zepplin-music choices that come with their own inherent problems(on the dancefloor, on the dancefloor-DC and led zep are great in their place we all know that so lets not send any silly hate mail). It wasn’t even that the songs were bad but that the playlist was so wonky, also, nothing was mixed. One of the most important bits of your job is to cut off the wanky bits at the start and end of songs so that people can dance uninterrupted, and for fucks sake at least play songs that have a vaguely similar beat next two each other. Going from Ska(mirror in the backroom) to 3 chord punk(Blitzrieg Bop) to Hot Chip does not a coherent set make. However, even if the DJ was deadly it’d still be a shit dancefloor because there’s no space at all. I can’t believe I am giving out about not being able to Dance, of all things-thats how bad it was

7. Givin that there’s no place to sit, dance, smoke or talk you might think its quite a boring venue. Well you’re right. Theres nothing to do except drink so everyone is fucked. I avoid town on Paddys day (and Temple Bar in general) specifically because of apocalyptic scenes like this. Don’t get me wrong, I like to get blind drunk as much as the next guy(and with this site as evidence, probably moreso) but if you have too many people who’ve had too much to drink in too small a space you are BEGGING for trouble. Any vague whiff of atmosphere that is in the place gets snorted up by the fact that nobody can walk in a straight line. Too many blind fools attack my buzz on three seperate fronts A) Broken glass everywhere despite the fact that I am forced to drink my Guinness out of a plastic glass(anyone who knows anything about stout knows that that is just plain unholy) B) Bouncers everywhere to break up the fights, which are brewing and breaking everywhere C) the ultimate in buzz wrecking, lots of unwelcome advances and a certain guilt if you accept any of the welcome ones-if, like me, you are in the grips of a drought this is extremely frustrating.

I think thats about it, man what a shithole. Whelans was at one time(honestly, less than 2years ago) among Dublins premier venues, I fucking loved it! I still quite like it for day drinking, but even that is mostly driven by memories of liking it(I won’t say nostalgia because the rot was far too sudden). Just goes to show that when the great fall-they fall hard

I just got an e-mail from jobs.ie to say that their security was breached and my CV got downloaded by some dickhead nerd!! Its probably the Russian Mafias work and in the next few months you can expect to see several Rua MacTíreans arriving in the country. Jokes on them though, given my record I’m virtually unemployable!! Snakehead assholes…..

In more important news, and to further emphasize just how lazy I am, I have found my new favourite tv show. Its got all the ingredients of a classic(from the ’70s): flashy lights, variety performances, thinly-veiled racism, indoctrination of youth, a strain of nationalism that embarasses most modern British people and best of all-its on in the middle of the afternoon! No really, it is brilliant and you only notice the nasty bits if you’re a media whore like me and you’re looking out for them. Basically, its Mosney/Butlins on tv-kids tv-and its fucking brilliant!

The premise of the show is this whacky prison wardon who really wants to be a watered down Chubby Brown(not nearly as bad though, I only say Chubby because he’s the only one of that ‘type’ of comedy I can name). Anyway, every week he lets out the most talented inmate as voted by the studio audience of primary school kids. Its downright afternoon entertainment genius!!! I think its called prison..something or other, I dunno, its on CBBC if you want to look it up. They get in Circus acts from all around the world, this week Japan, Russia and two other much vaguer places(y’know, the miscellaneous West-all white people look alike)…………….. I’m actually a little unsettled at how much I enjoyed a childrens program that wasn’t a cartoon so I’m going to stop now.
Look up ‘Black Box Jackson’ you’ll understand, I’m sure they have a video somewhere. Not on youtube though, I already tried that(rua signs off disapointedly)…..

This week I have been gripped by such a ferocious case of lazy that I…..am not bothered writing any more. ah fuck it, I tried

I’d imagine that this would be quite a funny post……….. had I not blacked out

This turned out far too well. I was killing time just playing with words and it turned into quite a serious piece of work. Its quite hard to read but thats ok because its a damn hard subject to approach. Incidentally, its even harder to read because wordpress have the most confusing spacing system ever. Also some of the lines got clipped because the yoke what you write on is too narrow. This is fucking bollox, its completely ruined now but I’m posting it anyway

.

I can’t bring myself to do any real work
up and bounce and flounce and trounce to a badly dastardly drawn catastrophie
I am artistic aristocracy gone for a weekend hunt of foals and fowles
chomping on the bowels of a madmans dead hystorectomy
visectomy? why yes I’ll have two
One of each is like a treat to an autopsy
all topsy turvy no more curvy, a feat so unique
should have its own exclusive clique
The Impregnables nay the DeRegulables
or the Aids infested Love detested Balloon popping Miserables

.

Why not steal a rhyme and change the line?
If I had to choose between a frontal labotomy and a bottle in front of me
I’d count the shrapnel and await indepence’ death knell
one is certainly the same as the other and I’d rather not HAVE to make any choices
bar whether to eat, sleep, bleat or bite
to be wolf or a sheep, priest or a child
oops! that can’t be PC but at least we’re not in Jersey,
where we’d be let run free in a haven of wanton debauchery
a sickening atrocity
protecting hypocracy
infecting disecting molesting and all without correcting
because nobody did the checking

.

Worse than Ferns?
tisk-mere ciggarette burns
This was Disneyland for Grown-ups
A nightmarish abomination slotted between the cracks of
smug faux socialism and arrogant fo-sho capitalism
nestling neatley on the bedrock of corruption
They say they didn’t know about it but I know better
it’d be impossible not to know what curiosity must know
what strange scars and mysterious screams and an odd fear and and
an inexplicable, damn dispicable, secrecy must surely convey,
at the very least, that ’something evil is afoot’

.

A sovereign state with no apparent darkside has something to hide
and the harder it is to find the more its worth looking for
the more its worth hiding

.

Take this glistening emerald isle for example
As I understand it, jewelery doesn’t float
so what exactly is your D4 tractor running on?
Red Diesal or red tape, Red Blooded or just Bloodied
Vigilance is not a virtue, its a responsibility

I’ve seen them 5 or 6 times live and damn dancin dangerous. The Loose are the only middlin successful Irish band in years who have a pair of fucking balls-and what a pair!! Their third album is coming out soon and from the 3 tracks I’ve heard its gonna be the best one yet. Greasy, sweaty hot and heavy: merciless soul. Love, hate, passion and faith-this is the band the commitments should’ve been. Check em out on MySpace,

http://www.myspace.com/republicofloose

free download for the newly converted, the Loose blow Scientology out of the water any day. If the world needs one thing its more funk

Its great everyone should sign up……..eh no, actually that would be very silly. I’ve spent the morning watching scientology videos. It seems to be very much the Church of the Big Ego, indulging in the self important fantasies of the priveledged few. Its all a bit ancient Egypt if you ask me

(Gaeilge ag an bun, mar tá sé ró-dáinséarach é a scríobh as béarla)

I keep sabotaging myself.

I was at another all-nighter there last night, knocking back Tiger beer and trying to remember what it was that was bothering me so much.
There were these two really drunk guys perving the living shit out of every girl in the room, I don’t even mean pathetic nerdy cheap feels I mean proper man-handling. They were idiots to start with anyway, representing all the bad things about the Southside minus the courage to admit to it or the wisdom to see it within themselves. I’m gonna be honest and say that Bouncey and I were looking for an excuse to beat the shit into them from the start-which is never a good attitude to have.
I got my excuse when he was holding on far too hard to one of my good friends and it was clear that she was putting in a very honest attempt to struggle free. I see red very quickly if I don’t check myself. Without really thinking it out I went in, grabbed him by the throat and pushed him back into the kitchen counter. It was so easy, too easy, I stunned myself-he was just a fucking kid. I could break him in half. I paused for a second.
This led to a strange situation. AAF grabbed the ‘child’ and pulled him away from me while Big J begged me not to hurt him and Bouncey begged me to take a swing. In the end I sided with J for 3 reasons
1. He knew the guy, vouched and begged for him
2. I reckoned he was to drunk and I was too strong to make it anything other than cruel
3. Its not cool to start or finish fights in other peoples houses

However, I do maintain that the guy absolutely deserves a beating. He would have been lucky if it had come from me because its only a matter of time before someone does it and I’m about as compassionate a teacher as he’s likely to find. He failed the Diamond Test for fucks sake!! (see New Years Vagueries, http://fluffyredrant.wordpress.com/2008/01/04/new-years-vagueries/ )

Outside of that minor irritant I have discovered that after nearly six months spent scared of my own shadow I can no longer pull. I bumped into this girl I had scored a while back, she looked deadly and was very much throwing herself at me-perfect situation to regain some semblence of normality? No. I couldn’t do it, I can’t even remember what it is or how the fuck it is done.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention that Diamond Dave was deejaying(naff is the new awesome) all night. Good times good tunes, you can get to his sounds on my Blogrollo

P.S.
(politically speaking)
Mothaigh mé beagáinín níos fearr ag deireadh an oíche áfach ó thaobh go raibh cúigear dúinn ag labhairt agus gach duine againn gafa ag tinneas croí de shaghas amháin nó saghas eile

A: Tá an saol socraithe aige agus é ag dénamh na rudaí amadach a bhí á dhénamh agam cúpla mí ó shin. Tá sé i bhfad níos measa aige afach. Tá triúr cailín ag troid thar a chorpáin is anam agus is iad cairde is fearr beirt acu, an ceann breise is seanghrá í. Cuir isteach sa mála freisin go bhfuil sean buachaill ceann de na cailíní sin ag crochadh thart freisin agus feicim trioblóid

B: Buachaill aici nach tugann leath aire cearrt di(dar léi, ní bheadh a fhios agamsa). Tá sí ag iarraidh saoirse nó grá ach faoi láithir tá sí ag titim idir na dhá cinn. Tá rogha le dénamh aici agus beag nár rinne triú phartaí an rogha sin di ar an oíche-”like something out of Dallas!”

C: Tá a fhios aici díreach cé atá uaithi, ní mothaíonn seiseann mar an gcéanna ach oiread-is droch an t-ádh a bhfuil uirthi agus tá a fhios ag gach duine faoin scéal seo

D: Bean an tí. Thug sí tuaraisc do buachaill teacht chuig an partaí ionas go mbeidh sí inán é a mhealladh ach ní sise amháin a bhí sa rás. Fuair muid mo dhuine le cailín eile i(nóiméad ar son éifeacht drámatacht) LEABA BEAN AN TÍ!!! Ní dúirt sí focail leis ach ba léir nach raibh sí sásta

E: Mé féin…….faidb ar bith i gcomparáid le gach duine eile

There’s a myth abroad that Paddys day is really really important to Irish people-its not. Most people only realise its Paddys day the day after when they wake up crippled by a mix of suicidal deppression, ‘cement-mixer’ stomach pains, guilt, ’shrinking skull syndrome’ and (more often than not) vague memories of having your name taken by the police.
Ireland is the worst place in the world to celebrate Paddys. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is drunk to the point of retardation. There’s a fight breaking out every five feet and people are (literally)fucking in the streets. Anyone who has ever been in town the day after knows about the surreal silence that hangs over Dublin, broken only by the sound of glass crunching under your feet. Its like 28 days later or Mad Max(except with more gingers).
Needless to say the doctor let me start drinking again just in the nick of time for ’tis not a night for the sober man-they can smell you! His exact words were ‘the odd pint won’t kill you, just take it easy’-all I heard was ‘game on’. This minor misinterpretation led to the following conversation with Papa Rua when I arrived home at 830am the day after Paddys:

Papa: “oh, you’re home late-how was the party?”

Rua: “haven’t slept in 22 hours, going to bed, talk later..sleep now”

Papa: “fair enough(something about Siegfried Sassoon)”

Rua: “(something about getting sick)”

5 hours later I was awake and in the grips of the single worst hangover anyone has had since the morning after Ireland got kicked out of Italia’90 and half the country woke up in Rome only to suddenly realise that they couldn’t afford to get home! IT WAS THAT BAD!!!!
I could go into the details of where I was, what I did and oh what a joy it all was but to be honest with ye-I’m still reeling from the other night. Bollox to this, its DVD time

P.S. I will reveal one small detail about my night/morning. I was standing at a bus stop in Delgany(the back arse of nowhere) at 7am when I finished off the last of the beer. I then proceeded to ask if anyone had a corkscrew for to open a bottle of wine I had in my bag-Paddys is hardcore