Narc!

Went to the doctors today complaining about chest pains and shortness of breath. She asked me if I had taken on a lot of drink and drugs over Christmas. All I can say is that I hope she believes in Doctor-patient confidentiality. Otherwise, we’re in trouble(I say ‘we’ because it is my firm intention to bring someone down with me).

No worries either way. I am now, however, allergic to cat hairs. I’ve never been allergic to anything before(bar penicillin, hard work and for a brief period when I was 10; anything I didn’t like the taste of) so this should be interesting. Get ready for posts about me jumping in front of cars to avoid being downwind from molting kitty’s(because I’m not allergic to cars or death, obviously). I may even arrange a cull(Stag hunting recently became illegal distracting the Media from the murky world of ’Urban Kitty Culling’-result!).

Come to think of it, my estate is full of cats. It’d be a rat free zone if they weren’t all so fat. The ‘over fed suburban cat’, a new breed I believe, famously the only race of feline that doesn’t land on its feet. No, the ‘over fed suburban’ cat lands tummy first followed a full three seconds later by the legs. Some, more highly evolved cats, don’t appear to have limbs at all-having adjusted perfectly to life amongst humans over multiple generations. These ‘cats’ are more aptly named ‘living cushions’ or ‘hairy blobs’ or ‘the spinsters hot water bottle/husband’.

Fat furballs aren’t half as bad as those cats with no fur at all-I’d much rather be allergic to them. Disgusting creatures, they’re what forced Darwin to re-word his famous thesis from ‘Survival of the Prettiest’. I believe those Siamese(correct name?) cats were popular in ancient Egypt purely because they looked the exact same after 500 years of mummification ensuring that the Pharaoh got exactly what he paid for. I can see it now, on the Egyptian equivalent of Moore Street(or Moore St itself for that matter) “pre-mummified cats for sale, two bat a pound, fresh pre-mummified cats for sale, still alive to maintain freshness, pre-mummified cats, all you have to do is wrap ‘em up and lash’im in de microwave”.  And yes, the Egyptians had microwaves, everyone knows that.

Next week in the ’animal haters newsletter’ I’ll be pointing out the various threats to human civilisation posed by the common Rabbit. I will also explain how they fell out with the hares and why we should strike now before they have the chance to form a united front!

Vote Republican! I heart Guns!

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official Rua edit
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I just realised after posting this that there is an existing tag under the heading ‘pet hates’-hillarious!……..well…..I laughed
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