A month without alcohol

Its half 6 on New Years Eve, messiest night of the year, and I have got absolutely nowhere to go-eep! What the fuck people? Where are my people? I need alcohol and debauchery! I’d normally be frantically texting everyone I know but due to the constraints of my new phone I have no fucking numbers. Jesus, its already dark outside-I have five and a half hours to find a party or else all is lost for a full year of abject boring misery. Worst case scenario is me going into Dun Laoghaire by myself and trying to befriend randomers best case scenario is going out to pick up some milk and stumbling upon a cocaine and swingers party and trying to befriend randomers. Social survival skills kick in. If I don’t post anything tomorrow I’m either dead or dead and happy.

Went to the doctors today complaining about chest pains and shortness of breath. She asked me if I had taken on a lot of drink and drugs over Christmas. All I can say is that I hope she believes in Doctor-patient confidentiality. Otherwise, we’re in trouble(I say ‘we’ because it is my firm intention to bring someone down with me).

No worries either way. I am now, however, allergic to cat hairs. I’ve never been allergic to anything before(bar penicillin, hard work and for a brief period when I was 10; anything I didn’t like the taste of) so this should be interesting. Get ready for posts about me jumping in front of cars to avoid being downwind from molting kitty’s(because I’m not allergic to cars or death, obviously). I may even arrange a cull(Stag hunting recently became illegal distracting the Media from the murky world of ’Urban Kitty Culling’-result!).

Come to think of it, my estate is full of cats. It’d be a rat free zone if they weren’t all so fat. The ‘over fed suburban cat’, a new breed I believe, famously the only race of feline that doesn’t land on its feet. No, the ‘over fed suburban’ cat lands tummy first followed a full three seconds later by the legs. Some, more highly evolved cats, don’t appear to have limbs at all-having adjusted perfectly to life amongst humans over multiple generations. These ‘cats’ are more aptly named ‘living cushions’ or ‘hairy blobs’ or ‘the spinsters hot water bottle/husband’.

Fat furballs aren’t half as bad as those cats with no fur at all-I’d much rather be allergic to them. Disgusting creatures, they’re what forced Darwin to re-word his famous thesis from ‘Survival of the Prettiest’. I believe those Siamese(correct name?) cats were popular in ancient Egypt purely because they looked the exact same after 500 years of mummification ensuring that the Pharaoh got exactly what he paid for. I can see it now, on the Egyptian equivalent of Moore Street(or Moore St itself for that matter) “pre-mummified cats for sale, two bat a pound, fresh pre-mummified cats for sale, still alive to maintain freshness, pre-mummified cats, all you have to do is wrap ‘em up and lash’im in de microwave”.  And yes, the Egyptians had microwaves, everyone knows that.

Next week in the ’animal haters newsletter’ I’ll be pointing out the various threats to human civilisation posed by the common Rabbit. I will also explain how they fell out with the hares and why we should strike now before they have the chance to form a united front!

Vote Republican! I heart Guns!

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official Rua edit
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I just realised after posting this that there is an existing tag under the heading ‘pet hates’-hillarious!……..well…..I laughed
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We are defined by our enemies and complimented by our allies. I can honestly say that there was no finer compliment ever paid to me than knowing you. Another young man is gone. Another mountain of potential washed away and lost among the waves. Another tragedy. We seem to be dropping like flies these days, sorry if I wasn’t around as much as I should have been. Thats no. 4 by the way, he died on Christmas day. Two years fighting cancer in two places and he dies Christmas day, it just doesn’t seem fair when someone like that goes. Goodbye man, we’ll all miss you

I did something terrible last thursday, didn’t even ask her name ha ha! I’m going straight to hell. Y’know you were hammered when you wake up with a big bag of regret but you aren’t quite sure to whome it is devoted. Self-pity at the growing realisation that I have no standards after 12 o clock or the guilty feeling of being quite close to a complete stranger for a few minutes before taking a step back, blinking, looking her up and down and running away-she must’ve felt shit. Or I could simply acknowledge how hopelessy conceited this whole argument is. Either way, it shouldn’t have happened it’ll happen again before the end of next week and the more I think about it the less I care. In fact, I’ve got a real hankerin’for some debaucherin’-Its CHRISTMASSS!!!!!! Everybody get messy, sure beats spending ime with the family-FACT. Plus mindless promiscuity makes at least one other person happy for at least one night which I think is a worthy gift to give to the world. ‘Tis the season, knock ‘em back

Oh, by the way, this had nothing to do with the film-sorry

My mam has called me 5 times today including a message on my voicemail and its only 2pm. Y’know, for someone whos convinced the phones are tapped she fairly wracks up the talk-time and its all bullshit too. “how are you? blah blah have you been to the bank yet? blah blah cocaine is bad blah blah granny blah blah what are you doing today? I’ve called for no reason and I’ll call back in ten minutes just to make sure you can’t relax” to which the reply is invariably “I’m doing nothing, I’m on my holidays, piss off”. I don’t care if you think I’m being insensitive, Wednesday is the only day when there’s nobody else in the house. I can’t sleep at night I HAVE TO SLEEP DURING THE DAY AND I HAVE THE LOUDEST FAMILY IN THE WHOLE OF DUBLIN! fuck off everybody!

Some of you might remember that I got shin splints back in September. Well its halfway through December and my legs are worse than ever despite undergoing 6 weeks of physio(which was not cheap at 60e a pop!) and going to a chiropatist(which was so ludicrously expensive I don’t even want to talk about it). Yes 4 months later and I’m only starting to recover.
Well thats not entirely true. I had made a full recovery after the physio but due to a TWO MONTH wait for ’specialist insoles’ the muscles on my legs have once more seperated from the bone. Its bollox, I just want to play football. I don’t even want to be good at football, I just want to play football and maybe, if its not too much trouble, stand up for more than a few hours a day without a fucking zimmerframe.
Whats more concerning is the fact that I’m on private healthcare, if I was a public patient I’d be really screwed-thanks Mary! Oh its not fair to blame Ms Harney alone, lets blame every Irish government going back to the stoneage! Health, education and tranport were all election issues in the early years of the state-they are yet to be even credibly dealt with. Why? Because its Ireland, the Peoples Republic of “it’ll be grand”. We should draft in a couple of Germans to get things sorted out. We’ll trade beurocrats(funny thing happens if you drop the ‘b’ on that word) for ‘artists’(I think we can spare a few singer-songwriters at least, the odd playwrite and a veritable hamperfull of poets).
Incidentally, the “it’ll be grand” philosophy was instrumental in my original injuries. I was training for the Dublin Marathon when I noticed a slight pain in my legs-”it’ll be grand, just means your legs are working”. The pain got worse “it’ll be grand, you’re just subconciosly looking for an excuse to stop” and worse “it’ll be grand, stop being such a pussy” and worse “oh, wait a sec, I can’t move!”. At which point I took a week off training before going full on for another fortnight. The doctor wasn’t very impressed when I told him what happened.
I’ve gone way off the point here, what was the point again? Oh yeah-4 months later and the cunt tells me it’ll be another 6-8 weeks before I can run/jump/dance/prance/work in a bar/ work anywhere that doesn’t involve sitting down, again.

Severe Intoxication

I would like to make
an observation
about severe
intoxication

We are in fact
a nation
whose confidence
is based on
our short term
retardation

.

In all seriousness

Drunk and bleary eyed
A face where no
truth can hide

Everything gushes out
tears and words
in a single shout

You’ve lost again
Son, you’ve lost again

.
.
.

And to think I was slagging the emo kids

I would like to formerly welcome Na Gael Óg into the world blogging, maith sibh leaids!
www.nagaeiloga.blogspot.com
Ceapaim go bhfuil sé in am díobh fíor suíomh a fháil áfach, ach, sin scéal eile.

And as a general message to all Gaeilgores, this is in English for democratic reasons,: “if you want to save the language all you have to do is be cool, look at Hector and Seán Óg-each contributing a huge amount without actually signing any more bleedin’petitions”
I’m sorry, its been a bad week for petitions. Someone gave out to me for refusing to sign a petition about DITs decision to close the library, wait for it, a full half hour early!!! We really need that extra half hour of procrastrination dammit-I aint lettin the man take it away-fuck you motherfucker!! PriCK!! Fuck the man, man! Fight the Power!! The wheels of (the drinks)industry are greased with the blood of the student(and parent/gaurdian/pimp/grants system). I am so sick of DITs monopoly on library opening hours, I mean, I have absolutely no intention of being in a library until 9.30pm but if I were a better student I might consider it-bleh etc.=Insert Jokes Here=

Man did that post die a death, there won’t be any postmortem here children

MESS!!! Got back in the game last Monday boozing as if I’d never stopped, still couldn’t get drunk! What the fuck like? I stopped drinking for a solid four weeks then spent the night drinking straight double Jameson and ice(only 6e a pop if you don’t mind) and was still the soberist(that can’t be a real word) one there-bullshit! Maybe its just that I seemed sober because I was in XXI’s and it was full of muppets, plus, all my friends were rendered incoherant from the consumption of a huge amount of pills.
No, I’d have to say, it wasn’t a great night. I never really got into it and the fact that my mate Growler spent the entire night starting fights didn’t help much either. The very first thing he did when we walked into the club was to fake a headbutt at two complete strangers only to stand there staring at them “wha?! fuckin’faggots!”. I grabbed his shoulder and we moved on. He’s always been a bit of an aggro asshole but this was just ridiculous, he was only going out to start a fight-its so fucking stupid.
He told me at one point around half one that he had 13 fights waiting for him outside. I told him that I wouldn’t hop in for him because he deserved a beating. He was right not to believe me because I wouldn’t do that to a mate but when someone is being that big of an idiot they don’t deserve loyalty. He was on a huge energy buzz from the pills but he couldn’t pull because he’s got a girlfriend and he’s not much of a dancer so I reckon he just said “fuck it, I’d love a bit of violence”. Doesn’t excuse his behaviour but it does explain it to a degree.
Either way, I lost him on the way out of the club and so, started asking people if they’d seen him. It wasn’t a very long search, I heard shouting behind me, who else would it be? There were at least seven lads in a big maul all itching to swing at the one and only. I rushed in at more or less the same time as the bouncers, grabbed Growler pushed him back a few yards turned him around and starting walking as calmly and as quickly away as possible. All the while, the lads who were probably just sticking up for themselves got wrapped up and pushed against the wall. Then, as we walked away, he tried to start on two Gards. I held him a bit tighter and walked a bit faster, I was not spending my night in a fucking drunk tank.
Moral of the story, people who start fights are shit. Pills make them shitter. And now I remember why I got sick of drink culture, because, even one of my best mates(who I’d gladly take the hit for) is part of the problem. Why can’t people just be cool? Clubs have cheap drinks and pretty girls-how can you get pissed off in that envioronment?

Things that have been pissing me off lately

1. Supervalues new marketing campaign, a hint at something more sinister perhaps? “Real Food, Real People”

2. “The Irish News of the World” a title that is almost certainly an oxymoran

3. The M3 Motorway. I’m not sure if I should bother, my opinion isn’t going to influence policy in this bizarre banana republic anyway. For the record though, building a motorway right smack bang through the middle of one of the worlds(and more importantly; Irelands) most important archaelogical sites is possibly one of the more ludicrous things this government has ever done. I wouldn’t mind so much if we were destroying someone else’s culture and history, such is the *Caucasian Way, but this our own stuff……man. As if the whole ‘Shell to Sea’ fiasco wasn’t proof enough that Fianna Fail are untouchable they go and pull this one((not to mention ‘Berties(alleged) Billions’, **Mary Harney(full stop), BIFFO being left in charge of anything more important than colouring inside the lines in his copy of ‘Colours and Numbers 6+’ and good ol’Mary Hannafin(pesky Gaeilscoileanna!)). I would hereby like to publicly thank, on behalf of the Irish people, the opposition parties in this country for being so unforgiveably weak and incompotent that we were left with no choice but to reluctantly re-elect Fianna Fail……….again.

Its times like these when I genuinely envy Britain with its choice of ‘The Conservitive Party’ and ‘The Torries’(get it? I done a blunt politikal oversation I did). At least over there, the opposition is equally capable so a change of personnel is a possibility. The downside, however, is that they’re both equally evil(no offence to the UKs entire voting public, by the way)

4. And you know whats REALLY PISSING ME OFF: those pea-brained-moronic-single-minded-tabloid-run-uninventive-back-patting-muppetologists that comprise the FAI BOARD OF SELECTORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Terry FUCKING Venebles? A failed English number. 2? Why aren’t we even bidding for Jose? Or Martin O’Neill? Or someone with a bit of class, new ideas, Ruud Houllet? Cruyf? There is no reason why the FAI couldn’t afford the wages these guys would command, and the standard of living here is…….well……I mean……eh…..we’re at least a part of the ‘First World’ and theres plenty of away games. There’s no ambition, and if there was there wouldn’t be the strength of character required to see that ambition through. Houllier has expressed interest and Rafas contract looked a bit shaky during the week. C’mon people!
I’m not sure if anyone else noticed the striking similarity between a team of “Barmy Bobby Robson(washed up former great)/Stan the Man(heinously underexperienced former great of sentimental significance)” and “El Tel(washed up former mediocre journeyman)/Andy Townsend(heinously underexperienced former great of sentimental significance)”. Thankfully Andy has turned down he offer, pleading sanity, but El Tel is still the number one candidate. I blame Rupert Murdoc(whose name I can’t spell) and all his terrible tabloids which hold far too much sway in the world of sport. Our national team is shite because the FAI have consistantly picked the wrong man; Mick McCarthy, Brian Kerr, Stan. I actually think that Stan had bags of potential if only he had been given more time he could’ve been a hero but, alas, it was never to be. Fuck it, unless this blog is entirely subscribed to by Taxi Drivers I doubt the people with the power will ever learn…..sigh

5. The spell checker in WordPress doesn’t recognise the word ‘blog’-ironic?

*Caucasion Way: Destroy everything thats even slightly different, look down on other cultures, start wars for money, promote democracy in foreign lands and then undermine election candidates to make sure the great unwashed pick the ‘right guy’(and yes, its always a guy). Before someone says it, I know, almost all wars are for money.

**I know she’s a PD but they’re a splinter group of Fianna Fail and she’s been in government since the dawn of time so she may as well be in the FF.