I’ve been meaning to write up a blow by blow account of the Dun Laoghaire Festival and the week preceeding it(6 days solid drinking, hungover for 4 out of first 4 days of my new job-oh, its on!) but I just can’t seem to get round to it. I hope this does for the mean time, sorry I haven’t been writing much lately.
1. When I was 7 years old my brother taught me how to cheat in Gaelic. Not just cheat, but cheat in a way that’ll really piss the other guy off. Unfortunately I never joined a club so much of my new skills went to waste. All that is, but one-the elbow tap. Its not cheating, strictly speaking, but it is sneaky. Just as your marker is about to drop the ball down to his foot for a shot, you give him a dig in the elbow. This causes the ball to shoot helplessly out of his hand and leave him kicking thin air like an idiot. If you’re lucky you’ll tap his funny bone and that’ll leave him useless for at least ten minutes.
I know what you’re thinking “thats focking awesome Rua, but how do you use it outside of a game situation, loike, in real life”. Simple, make a game of real life. Get a friend and walk around the pub elbow tapping the pint holding public. Keep score and refuse to pay people back. Its also advised that you pick a friend who’s a bit slower than you, angry mobs generally give up as soon as they have at least one victim-don’t pick someone you’re overly attached to either.
2. There is no better time to check out all your new ringtones than when you’re on the bus. Turn the volume up full and go through them one at a time. Then pause, take a breath, and start again. Do it over and over and over again. For best results, use an oldschool monotone phone first thing in the morning when stuck in traffic-pure sadism.
3. This is a personnal favourite of mine. Whilst navigating through a large crowd, stop suddenly! Its perfect simplicity, pure genius and the single most annoying thing any human being can ever do. It works best on busy streets such as Grafton or at gigs within the sardine zone.
4. Register a blog in someone else’s name and let the lies begin. I’m not actually Rua MacTírean, I just to spread malicious rumours about him. I touch kids. Lots of kids.
5. The following are i-pod based party fouls. A)Play Razorlight. B)Play 45 minute long funk jams that are impossible to dance to, listen to, drink to , think during, talk over etc. C) the worst of the worst, a veritable cardinal sin in my book; keep changing the song. Put a song on, wait until the first verse is over and then change it to something completely different. Do this until you get bottled, thats generally a sign that you’ve gone too far(but not always, certain parts of the Donegal Gaelteacht class this as a friendly welcome).
6. Be really condecending and sexist to other peoples girlfriends. Actually, just be really condescendin to anyone. Act like you shit thornless roses-people get really angry but they are never sure exactly why.
7. Find an area where you’re not particularily well known and put on an American accent. Play dumb, feign blind ignorance and try to convince people that the ‘war on terror’ is actually working. This is like hitting two birds with one mallet, ‘Real’ Americans will be hopelessly embarressed by virtue of being associated with you while everyone else in the room whispers spitefully ‘tch… typical’.
8. Skip the line and then boast about it within earshot of the people you just skipped
These words I pass on not for my own benefit but for yours, children.
