ratings

I got rated and to be honest I’m a little dissappointed, I thought the constant references to sex and drugs would at least make me over 18’s. I’m afraid its time to earn my stripes.

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

The following story is purely for the attainment of a higher rating. I want to bleed controversey(a word I can’t actually spell)

“So I was fucking this bitch up the ass with a snorkel when I looked down and realized it was my Aunt Trudie………”

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

Still not great, I can do better.

“I wasn’t angry at first, more suprised ‘where did grandma go?’. I kept plugging away for another while before snorting a line of coke of my five year old cousins bellybutton. I offered him some but he was so strung out on the ecstacy tablet I gave him that he couldn’t answer”

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

oops, seems that that last paragraph was completely unneccessary

Sam-come home!

The last time I made reference to Dublin football on this site was nearly a year ago. We had just lost an epic all-Ireland semi-final battle against Mayo. I was dissappointed, dejected but proud. This time round though it is good news I bring for the omens bode well
Yesterday, Dublin won their 3rd Leinster title in a row. Dublin haven’t won 3 leinster titles in a row since 1995, that was also the last time we won an All-Ireland. Do you see what I’m getting at? Oh yes, its on!
Other good signs include the fact that we scored 3, count’em, 3 goals against Laois yesterday. Hill 16 likes goals. The team like it when the hill is happy and goals create momentum for Dublin more than any other county. Also, note the cocky swagger of capital arrogance coming from one master Mark Vaughan esquire. He’s managed to stop being shit every second week and is now deadly all the time. Lets not forget little ol’Jayo, back on form and hungrier than he’s been in years.
Speaking of returns to form, was that Alan Brogan who scored yesterday? Progress is slow but he’s starting to look like the killer he was a few seasons back. Not to mention Brogan jr. whos improved greatly in the last few weeks. All this before mentioning the two great dogs of war that are Whelan and Ryan dominating the midfield. The half backs and full backs are all ultra solid and we all know about Cluxton.

Yes, one would have to say that I’m really looking forward to September

wahhhh

I’m so hungover, so unbelievably hungover

Up the RA? Fuck the RA

Táim an feargach faoi láithir, ró-feargach. Comh feargach sin nach féidir liom smaoineamh fiú. Bhíos ar Bebo ag féachaint timpeall na físeanna. Thug mé faoi dearadh go raibh alán físeanna don IRA/INLA/CIRA/PIRA etc. Féach mé suas na lads a bhfuil a cuir an stuif suas agus níor chreid mé céard a fuair mé. Tá an méad sin suíomhanna ar bebo dírithe ar ‘true republicans’ tá sé dochreidthe. Gach ceann acu le pictúir do Bobby Sands in aice le Che Guevera. An rud faoi Bobby bocht áfach na go raibh sé ag dul i gcoinne rialacha an IRA nuair a stop sé ag ithe-oops! Conas a rinne sibh dearmaid ar sin lads?

Chuireann an stuif seo isteach orm. Is Éireannach mé, táim bródúil as a bheith Éireannach. Táim bródúil as stair fada an tír seo ach, deirim anois ard, láidir is glóirbhear ‘TÁIM NÁIRITHE AG AN IRA!!’ Tá an cogadh thart. Ní feicimid 32 contae le gunnaí. Fiú má tá a cearrt agaibh, agus is féidir linn beir ar na sé, ní bheidh aon mhaitheas iontu agus iad scroiste go hiomláin ag bhur cogadh. Ní hionann níos mó troid agus leiscéal a thadhairt don taobh eile troid ar ais. Tá sráideanna na sé fliuch fós le foil agus deora ón am deirneach a roinne sibh fíor iarracht.

Is ag an am seo a bhfuil orm a rá go bhfuil an mheas agam ar Gerry Adams agus Martin McGuinness don tslí in a bhfuil siad ag obair ar son síocháin. Tá sé tábhachtach freisin a rá nach bhfuil mé ag gearráin faoin IRA féin amháin, is fuadh liom iad uilig; Proviosanal IRA, Contingency IRA, INLA, Retired Thugs Unions and Representitives IRA, IRA Scrabble Division agus na lads eile UVF,UDA, Red Hand Defenders, Ulster Defence Against Extra Terestrials Alliance, Tick Fuckers From Ulster Brigade gan tagairt ar an Orange order fiú. Tá siad ar fad mar an céanna.

Rud eile, muna bhfuil an cogadh ar súil (ie. muna bhfuil oraibh airgead a dhénamh chun gunnaí a cheannach) cén fáth a bhfuil sibh fós ag lorg cáin chosaint ó do dhaoine féin? Níos measa, cén fáth a bhfuil sibh a bailiú cáin ó na lads ag díol drugaí chuig bhur daoine? Cloisim freisin go bhfuil cuid agaibh ag díol sibh féin! Tá sibh beagnach comh dona le na tiarnaí táiliún a throid muid in adhaigh ar feadh na bliannta fada crua. Is náire sibh.

Rud amháin eile, mo phointe deirneach. Ní libhse an teanga! Is le gach duine é. Táim ag iarraidh 32 ach ní tabharfaigh sibhse é dúinn. Ní cheapaim go bhfuil suim ag cuid agaibh fiú, sásta le leaba deas compórdach déanta as ‘northern Ireland Banknotes’-oops-céard a rinne sin don cogadh?

Great News

This is inspired by another blog(http://thecrazynews.wordpress.com/) but I intend to rephrase and misquote because I’m not bothered checking back and seeing exactly what they said.
‘A group of Australian Scientists(quacks or Diageo lackies most likely) have agreed that alcohol does not damage youre brain. In fact, its good for you-LETS GET HAMMERED!!!!!!’

Surely though, anything that impares your judgement or self-knowledge(such as drink, drugs, sky news etc.) must at least temporarily impede your brains capabilities. I mean, everyone knows that drunk people are not as smart as their sober counterparts-thats the whole point! Think less=take risks=your boring friends become slightly more interesting.

I don’t know enough about the brain(’because I don’t have one’ I say it so you don’t have to, well done, very funny) to make any judgement as to the long-term effects of alcohol consumption but my guess is that this report is likely to be bullshit. Long-term heavy alcohol consumption is going to fuck up your head. Lighter alcohol consumption might be slightly beneficial but so is anything taken in moderation.

What I’m trying to say is that almost anything can be good for you if you interpret the evidence in its favour. Who knows? Take a small enough portion of SARS and you might develope an immunity. In fact, I think you should try it-in a controlled enviornment of course………as far away from me as possible

oops

I just realized that I haven’t posted anything in English for nearly a week. Well I’m fresh out of ideas-sorry kids. Bar one funny thing I saw yesterday. Its a massive Collins DIY book, its like one of those encyclopedias you get when you’re a kid. Its effectively the ‘rainy day activity guide for dads’. Whats even funnier is the fact that it was raining, and my dad was reading it intently before taking apart the door handles in the living room-they are yet to be replaced.

Teach saor, ach ag cén phraghas?

Tá mo tuistí lofa. Dáríre-lofa. Tá na beirt acu sna caogaidí agus tá siad ag dénamh rudaí nár chor do dhaoine don aois sin a dhénamh, tá sé dáinséarach! D’fhan siad in óstáin oíche aréir. Óstáin i mBaile Áithe Chliath. Táis am, cheap mise an rud céanna ‘nach bhuil cónaí orthu i mBaile Áithe……fan…eugh! sin lofa!’. Nílaim cinnte céard go díreach a rinne siad agus nílaim ag iarraidh a bheith cinnte céard a rinne siad. Ag búil an leathar(agus éist, is leathar é) nó ag codladh go sámh-is cuma-tá an íomhá fós ann.
Níl sé comh dona sin is dóigh. Ar an gcéad dul síos, ní dhearna siad faic sa teach(níor chuala mé iad ar aon nós, buíochas le dia). Ar an dara dul síos, bhí saghas leath teach saor agam oíche aréir. Bhí phleann agam féin(nár obair) agus ar feadh tamaill tráthnóna inné bhíos ag smaoineamh go mbeidh sé saghas ‘cool’ má raibh gach duine sa chlann ag briseadh allais ag an am céanna(le daoine diffriúl ar ndóigh). Níor dúirt mé sin le éinne áfach mar tá sé saghas ait, saghas.
Fair play dhóibh is dóigh, an tine fós lasta tar éis na bliannta fada. Nílaim go hiomlán compordach leis an tine ach, ag an am céanna, tá sé níos fear lasta ná dhóite. Caithfidh sé a bheith ait a bheith leis an duine céanna ar feadh an méid sin ama. D’imigh mé amach le cailín ar feadh dhá mhí nuair a raibh mé cúig mblianna déag daois, beag nár mharraigh mé í! Sin an ceann is faide roimhe nó riamh go dtí seo.
Anois, céard a dhénann tú nuair a bhfuil teach saor agat ar feadh oíche amháin? Ní féidir leat partaí mór mílteach a bheith agat mar ní beidh am é a ghlanadh suas. Ní féidir seisún a bheith agat fiú de theasca an boladh tobac(gná is draíochta) agus ó thaobh na deacrachtaí ag glanadh daoine amach an maidin dar gcionn. Ní fágann sé sin ach rogha amháin-BBQ!
Anois níor thosaigh an BBQ seo go dtí tuairim is mean oíche mar d’imigh grúpa dúinn chuig an phictúirleann. Dá le an scéal, DIE HARD 4.0, iontach smiontach. Már scannáin, is fianaise é nach bhfuil scéal cliste nó suimiúl ag teastáil má a dhóthan rudaí ag pléascadh. Freisin tá an príomh cailín dochreidthe-DOCHREIDTHE.
Muna léigh tú an alt deirneach, cibé réasún, tá sé an tábhachtach go dtuigeann tú díreach cé comh te is bhfuil an bean seo-tá sí dochreidthe. Beag nár thit mé síos ar an úrláir i ’spasm’ an chéad uair a chonaic mé í. Ag labhairt francís fresin-oh táim mheallthadh go hiomlán aici.
Ar ais chuig mo scéal. Meáin oíche, mo theachsa, cúigear daoine, sé ‘borgors’-foirfe? Ní cheapaim, díreach dhá cannaí. Smithwicks freisin, ar fad domsa mar sin! Ní hé go bhfuilim santach ach oiread, ní raibh éinne eile ag iarraidh iad!? Seo libh na fáthanna:
1. Cailín A, ag tiomáint
2 Cailín B, ‘Smithwicks? ní seanfhear mé’
3 Buachaill A, ‘is lúthcleasaí mé-tá orm mo meáchan a choimead síos’
4 Buachaill B, ‘ní ólaim-tá sé sin ar eolas ad’
5. Rua féin, ‘Sweet!’
Sin an tslí a d’imigh sé ar adhaigh agus bhí an craic againn ag insint scéalta is ag magadh is a leithid. Ach, mar atá ar eolas agaimh cheanna, ní smaoiníonn rua bocht ach ar rud amháin. Bhíos ag iarraidh an tiománaí.
Is ag an phointe seo a bhfuil orm a rá go mbeidh an tiománaí agam fadó fadó muna raibheas comh bog is smaointiúl. Cuireann an cailín mé san áit is deacradh i dtríantán an ghrá-an spota leis an rogha. Is liomsa a chuid súile agus b’fhéidir a chroí freisin-tá an méad sin ar eolas agam. An faib ná go cheapaim go bhfuil ‘buachaill B’ go hiomláin i ngrá léithi-seiseann, mo chara is fearr. Níl suim dá laghad aici in eiseann, ón méad a bhfeicim, agus níl aon fianise ann go bhfuil sé chun triaill a dhénamh di. Céard é an rud chearrt chun dhénamh? Beidh croí briste in áit eichint cibé rud a dhénim.
Táim cinnte freisin, muna raibh seisean ann, go mbeidh sí i mo leaba oíche aréir-agus cuireann sé sin isteach orm. Nior chóir dó, ach chuuireann ar aon nós. Ag an am céanna ní féidir liom chailín a ghoid ó mo chara. Don chéad uair le tamaill fada, ní aontaíonn mo intinn le mo bhud. Beidh mé breoite gan laghas má mhaireann sé seo ar adhaigh níos faide, tógfainn aon comhairle a bhfuil agaibh

Pócáí follamh agus cloigeann tinn

Níl aon airgead agam! Wah-wah-wah! Táim bocht agus fuair agus uaigneach agus tá sé ag cuir báisteach agus táim ag éisteacht le sean-nós!
Ahh níl sé chomh dona sin, táim fós beo agus níl aon easpa bia sa theach. Tá tuairim is seachtain go leath agam roimh a bheidh an banca go hiomláin follamh agus mar sin nílaim ró-buartha.
Níl mé ag iarraidh dul tríd an lá seo. Táim ag iarraidh mo súile a dhúna agus gan iad a oscailt go dtí maidin amárach. Tá orm dul chuig Aifreann ar son cailín mo chara, fuair sí bás an bhliann seo chaite, ocht mblianna déag daois. Sin triúr daoine, ar fad faoi fiche, a bhfuil aithne agam air a fuair bás. Tá sise an taon ceann nár chuir láimh ina bás féin. Ní dhénfaigh mé dearmaid arriamh ar oíche an socraid.
Fuair mé síob suas chuig Oxegen ó mo aithir. Níor dúirt éinne focail ach ag an am céanna, níor thit deoir don talamh. Bhí oíche uafásach again, thosaigh an báisteach agus leann sé ar adhaigh ar feadh an oíche agus an lá dar gcionn. Bhí sé uafásach. D’athraigh sé dhiadh ar ndiadh isteach i ceann de na deireadh seachtaine ab fhearr ariamh áfach. Chuir ‘Republic of Loose’ ag damhsa arís mé, sa báisteach fiú, agus tháinig an ghrian amach don lá deirneach. Fós nílaim ag iarraidh dul chuig an Aifreann seo, ach, níl rogha agam. Tá rudaí áirithe a chaithfear a dhénamh.
Táim ag dul chuig an ‘laughter lounge’ i ndiadh an aifreann-nach bhfuil sé sin laghas maith. Tá cara liom ag dul chuig Calcutta chun béarla(nó ghaeilge!) a múineadh. Chaith sé an tseachtain ag díol ticéidí don oíche seo chun beagáinín airgead a bhailiú le chéile. Chaithfidh mé a rá go bhfuil an mheas agam ar an laughter lounge as ocht é a chabhrú sa tslí seo. Is dóigh go bhfuil sé ag obair ann agus is saghas bronntanas scaireadh é.
Táim sásta faoin smaoineamh ach nílim sásta faoin praghas-20e. Níl sé a lán airgead seachas nuair a bhfuil tú ag bailiú na phingin ar an tslí amach gach oíche(ar nós mise). As seo amháin, níl cead ag éinne riamh ’scabby’ a ghlaoigh orm! An focail ’saor’ bhueil, sin scéal eile.
Díreach tháinig beirt de na lads thart, bhí píosa fearr acu agus anois ní féidir liom scríobh mar táim ag gáire an méad sin-brón orm, slán

Cé hé Íosa?

Tá duine ag ligean air gurb eisean an Rí féin agus ag fágáil tagairtí ar mo suíomh. Táim lán sásta ligeant do dhaoine nach aontaíonn le mo thuaraimí é sin a rá liom fadas nach bhfuil siad amadach nó suas a thóin féin. Chun a bheith macánta ba mhaith liom má cheistigh daoine mé. Má táim míchearrt in aon tslí ba mhaith liom a fáil amach.
Ach is rud go hiomlán difriúl é ag glaoigh an mac Dé ort féin agus ag tabhairt ‘copy and paste sermon’ dom. Ní thaitníonn an lad seo liom agus tá brón orm as ocht chuid de na rudaí a dúirt mé leis, b’fhéidir go raibh siad beagáinín ró crua láidir. Ach, ar an taobh eile don scéal, tá sé go hiomláin tuilte aige!
Táim ré chun caint más comhrá atá uait ach ní rachaigh mé ar mo ghlúine de bharr amadán le ainm mór.

Beidh aiste cearrt agam i ngaeilge amárach, ní dhearna mé faic an tseachtain seo

Monday night Olympics

There are only three types of people in the pub on a Monday night: students, would be artists and alcoholics. Or as they’re better known: the unemployed, the unemployable and the uninterested. I have at various times lived out all three of these roles and I think its about time I passed on some of the things I’ve learned.
First things first, come alone. This allows you the right to distract the barman from his book and engage a captive audience-they love that. Talk absolute shite, as much as possible about yourself and progressively more about that novel you’re working on. Bore the poor bastard to the point of tears. It is important as well, that as you get progressively drunker, you keep repeating yourself. Tell sad stories or stories that go absolutely nowhere. If you think you’ve got it in you, start to cry.
With regards to paying. This is vital, you must haggle for every cent, talk at length about inflation and how a pint has never been so expensive. Claim with white outrage that he’s been charging other people less than you. Complain about the quality of the Guinness, his pouring technique or not waiting long enough for it to settle. The best of these is always that the taps are too clean or not clean enough. Use these tools and try to wrangle your way to a free pint, don’t forget-if he caves once he’ll probably cave again so keep going even after you’ve got your pint. Most important of all, never ever under any circumstances should you give him a tip. If in a moment of drunken remorse you feel as if you have no choice; pay in coppers only.
A note on body position. Sit on a stool with no back support, this forces you to lean on the bar and (later on) gives you an excuse to fall over. Talk into your pint and take up as much of the counter as possible. As the night progresses, try to sink lower and closer to the bar. Ideally you should aim to be fast asleep, with your head resting on the counter, about ten minutes before last orders. This is the stuff of Monday night legend, the sleeping drunk is a classic move first attempted by Brendan Behan but perfected by Shane MacGowen.
In the unlikely event that there is a barmaid instead of a barman(rarely happens) a slightly different set of tactics must be employed from the get go. Don’t sit, stand or lean for your first three pints. Then, with a bit of Dutch Courage you may sit directly in front of the taps so that she has to keep coming back to you.
Be honest, stare openly. Only look her in the eyes when you’re talking about how lonely you are. Tell stories that are blatantly untrue about such subjects as; your time in the French foreign legion, your charity work in Africa or how sensitive you are. Tell her you love her, and you have loved her for some time(make sure you’re dribbling with one eye half closed by this stage for added effect). Better still, tell her that she reminds you of your estranged daughter.
Keep these tips in mind next Monday night and you can fulfil your dream of being an Olympian drunk. Don’t forget, true professionals get there early-around 4 O’clock.