There are only three types of people in the pub on a Monday night: students, would be artists and alcoholics. Or as they’re better known: the unemployed, the unemployable and the uninterested. I have at various times lived out all three of these roles and I think its about time I passed on some of the things I’ve learned.
First things first, come alone. This allows you the right to distract the barman from his book and engage a captive audience-they love that. Talk absolute shite, as much as possible about yourself and progressively more about that novel you’re working on. Bore the poor bastard to the point of tears. It is important as well, that as you get progressively drunker, you keep repeating yourself. Tell sad stories or stories that go absolutely nowhere. If you think you’ve got it in you, start to cry.
With regards to paying. This is vital, you must haggle for every cent, talk at length about inflation and how a pint has never been so expensive. Claim with white outrage that he’s been charging other people less than you. Complain about the quality of the Guinness, his pouring technique or not waiting long enough for it to settle. The best of these is always that the taps are too clean or not clean enough. Use these tools and try to wrangle your way to a free pint, don’t forget-if he caves once he’ll probably cave again so keep going even after you’ve got your pint. Most important of all, never ever under any circumstances should you give him a tip. If in a moment of drunken remorse you feel as if you have no choice; pay in coppers only.
A note on body position. Sit on a stool with no back support, this forces you to lean on the bar and (later on) gives you an excuse to fall over. Talk into your pint and take up as much of the counter as possible. As the night progresses, try to sink lower and closer to the bar. Ideally you should aim to be fast asleep, with your head resting on the counter, about ten minutes before last orders. This is the stuff of Monday night legend, the sleeping drunk is a classic move first attempted by Brendan Behan but perfected by Shane MacGowen.
In the unlikely event that there is a barmaid instead of a barman(rarely happens) a slightly different set of tactics must be employed from the get go. Don’t sit, stand or lean for your first three pints. Then, with a bit of Dutch Courage you may sit directly in front of the taps so that she has to keep coming back to you.
Be honest, stare openly. Only look her in the eyes when you’re talking about how lonely you are. Tell stories that are blatantly untrue about such subjects as; your time in the French foreign legion, your charity work in Africa or how sensitive you are. Tell her you love her, and you have loved her for some time(make sure you’re dribbling with one eye half closed by this stage for added effect). Better still, tell her that she reminds you of your estranged daughter.
Keep these tips in mind next Monday night and you can fulfil your dream of being an Olympian drunk. Don’t forget, true professionals get there early-around 4 O’clock.
